Sunday, November 7, 2021

Silence (The Me I want to be part 1)

 As many of my best blogs do, this one started with a conversation with Maija Soderholm

Conversation with Maija - 

Maija: I am working a lot and trying to get my creativity and motivation back. Isolation did a number on that

Kasey: I hear that.  It has been a weird few years

Maija: It truly has. I have found I am motivated by conversation and practice WITH others, and am very bored listening to the voice in my head lol.

Kasey: I think people forget humans are social creatures - need tribes not only for survival , but basic maintenance / wellbeing.  People forget until that is gone and the absence is felt.

I legit put on over 30 lbs. of boohoo I'm sad that I can't wrestle my friends so I guess I should eat like shit to make myself feel better weight.

Maija: I think this has been a common occurrence.. seeing pictures of our good friends [names redacted] brought it home lol.

Kasey: Luckily I was able to get some things in my  head straight (straighter?) and I dropped 40 - but that was rough.  Things are picking back up on my side.  But It was so weird to look for that passion / fire for the things I love to do and find nothing

Maija: I'm still climbing the hill. I do teach an in person Bagua class again so that's awesome, but no regular Eskrima yet and my skills are getting rusty 🙁.  Also need to get fitter.

Kasey: I hear that sister!  If it is any help there is light at the end.  Being with people helps that strength return.

That is the last step I think in reclaiming "me" I guess - the juice in the tank to share my thoughts with others.  That is why this blog entry is the first part of the me I want to be series.

Gas in the tank / emotional energy is one aspect, choosing your battles is another.

Deciding to fight, what is worth fighting for?  Why do we fight over ridiculous things?

Since my last blog post, I've been accused of promoting rape culture for sharing a picture of Ravishing Rick Rude, a famous wrestling heel from the 80's.  I've also received criticism over mundane popular culture posts and humorous memes expressing opinions about the efficacy of wearing masks.  What is my opinion?  It doesn't really matter what my opinion is.  I have every right to express it as I see fit.

I had a legitimate fear of being cancelled.  How am I going to help promote #500 (something I am sincerely passionate about) if I'm getting yelp reviews calling me a misogynist?   Also, its been a long 18 months and I really didn't have the energy to fight a fight that would put unwanted attention on me.

I shared the meme above and Facebook "fact checkers" put an untruthful warning label on it.  If I'm receiving hate for posting a picture of a wrestler from the 80's and a comedian's quote stating his own opinion is thought crime, how am I possibly going to be able to discuss more serious matters?

I've always loved the X-Men.  Never have the words -  fighting to protect a world that hates and fears them ever hit me harder.  There are plenty of lucky mutants that can hide.  They can avoid the hatred.  They can do that, because the X-Men fight the battles that need to be fought.

I was afraid of being cancelled

You win, or you learn.  The attendance it this year's Violence Dynamics was 15 students.  We had a very good seminar but that turn out isn't exactly a victory.  My head space, my fear, caused me to be silent for the entire year leading up to Prime 22.  Like many stories, running from my fear caused what I feared to come to pass. 

How am I going to discuss serious topics?  Fuck it - I just will.  Who am I going to let stop me?
It would be cowardly to avoid these discussions.
If not me, then who?  If not now, when?

I draw inspiration from a song by Rob Bailey and The Hustle Standard

"Try 'n Hold Me Back"

I'm taking this opportunity
To clear this mess out of my head
To clear this blood out of my lungs
I need to dig holes
To bury the dead 
… Look at yourself in the mirror
And tell me what a man is without pride
Tell me what a man is without fire in his eyes
Tell me who the fuck you are
… Fuck the bottom, I belong at the top

Tell me who the fuck you are.  Answering that question, answering what is the best version of myself / ourselves will be the topic of the next few blogs.

Kelly Sayer asked me what I was doing today.  I told her I was blogging, I have been quiet for too long. 

Kelly replied - Which is not normally a sentence that would ever be associated with Kasey Keckeisen.😁

The thought that popped into my head was that  - Kasey FUCKING Keckeisen (the name I have given to my best self) hasn't been around for awhile.  Its about time that mother fucker made a come back.

I have returned to a place where I have the energy to discuss serious topics that I am passionate about with other people.

I am willing to accept the consequences of being public with my thoughts.  Honestly, I have zero fucks left to give.  If you don't like what I write no one is forcing you to read this.

Those criticizing me are not helping people find their strength.  I will not let them stop me from doing everything I can to build stronger people.  Try and hold me back!

That starts with building a stronger me.

The Budo Blog will return with "What is your best self (The me I want to be part 2)

Train Hard, Train Smart, Be Safe
...Fuck the bottom I belong on the top!