Trauma Adjacent Aftermath
Hey everybody, I planned on writing “what numbers you should know” for this installment of the blog. However, sometimes the blog has to follow where my head is at the moment. This is one of those blogs.
A week or so ago I responded to a medical call. The call came from a young woman having a panic attack. The panic attack was due to a csc (criminal sexual conduct) that occurred the previous night.
She did not want Law Enforcement involved, nor did she want to answer any questions about the incident.
That got me thinking...
As hard as team #500 Rising is working, the numbers (crime statistics 80% of women have encountered a violent assault) are still the numbers.
Meaning that some woman in your life may be in the shoes this young woman found herself in.
Some conversations you have to get right, and there is no second chance
- Honey I’m pregnant - Is it mine?
- Dad I’m gay - Have you tried not being gay?
- Do these pants make me look fat? - It’s not the pants!
All joking aside, the wrong response can ruin relationships.
This isn’t nor should it be the face of women’s self defense
So how can I help #500 Rising? One way might be as a liaison to other men that also want help.
The numbers are still the numbers. The likelihood of me dealing with the aftermath of a violent assault especially a sexual assault is relatively low. The likelihood of a woman I care about dealing with the aftermath of a violent assault is 80%
How can I best help the women in my life?
How can we (any of us) help the women we care about if they find themselves in that situation, and they confide in us.
The wrong response can ruin relationships. The wrong response can make a bad situation even worse. The wrong response could scar.
So what are some right responses? What are some best practices for this situation?
There is no wrong way to survive - if you are alive to tell me the story you did the right thing
This is not your fault
I love you, and nothing that happens to you will change that
It is ok to not be ok
It is ok to be ok
The static state is a myth, and you will likely transition through multiple stages of “ok”
If you don't want to speak to Law Enforcement now (or ever) that is fine. However, you should probably see a SANE nurse
What is a SANE nurse ?
A Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner is a registered nurse who completed additional education and training to provide comprehensive health care to survivors of sexual assault.
In order to offer comprehensive care, the role of the SANE includes evaluating and treating the patient in a holistic way, being mindful of both the acute and long-term consequences of sexual violence victimization. The SANE can gather a culturally and developmentally appropriate medical history and a history of the assault, with an essential understanding of the medical and legal implications of both. Gathering this history lays a foundation to offer the patient suitable options in care, which may include forensic evidence collection, testing and treatment or prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), pregnancy prevention, and immediate and followup services with community-based sexual assault advocacy, and medical and law enforcement partners. The SANE ultimately provides culturally sensitive, developmentally appropriate, trauma-informed, and patient-specific evaluation and treatment.
https://www.ovcttac.gov/saneguide/introduction/what-is-a-sane/
It is ok to not be ok
It is ok to be ok
The static state is a myth, and you will likely transition through multiple stages of “ok”
Along those lines, even if you don’t want to speak to law enforcement now, that too may change. On top of the health aspects of seeing a SANE nurse, SANEs are also prepared to testify in a criminal or civil trial as a fact or expert witness when necessary, and understands the ethical obligations of their testimony and the limitations as well.
Ally is a term that gets thrown around so much that it loses meaning. Is Disney an ally when they sell rainbow Mickey Mouse ears…but edit out homosexuals and people of color from their theatrical releases and movie posters in China?
I don't want to pander, I don't want to profit. I want to be helpful, useful to people I love in a community I am not a part of.
The likelihood of me dealing with the aftermath of a violent assault is relatively low. The likelihood of a woman I care about dealing with the aftermath of a violent assault is 80%
Many of the women I care about may also carry an extra burden. They are involved in physical culture and train on a regular basis.
My good friend Randy King is not shy about sharing how the aftermath of an edged weapon attack rocked him to the core. He was Randy Fucking King the bad ass of Edmonton, how could he possibly get stabbed. If he is not Randy Fucking King then who is he?
Luckily for Randy he found Rory Miller’s book “Meditations on Violence” and he realized all versions of Randy are human and subject to human physiological, psychological, and emotional responses to the type of stress caused by close interpersonal human violence.
In my own life experience I put way too much pressure on myself to win wrestling matches because I came from a wrestling family. Both my brothers were State Champions. Wrestling was my nurture and my nature. That was the noise in my head. That was the board meeting of Monkeys (the social part of your brain) screaming "they are all going to laugh at you"
All that self created undo pressure did nothing to help me win wrestling matches. Losing matches made those Monkeys louder.
For women who train, not unlike Randy's knife attack - the disparity between criminal violence and martial arts training can be devastating. Also a feeling of I should have been able to stop this (self created undo pressure) could make a traumatic event that much worse, that much more complicated to recover from.
There is no wrong way to survive - if you are alive to tell me the story you did the right thing
This is not your fault
Training on a regular basis improves one’s life in general and increases your probability of survival (no wrong way to survive). Some sort of action movie Black Widow response is not required - nor expected of anyone. You survived correct, what you do next is up to you (reclaiming agency)
This is not your fault
I love you, and nothing that happens to you will change that
I want to be helpful, useful to people I love in a community I am not a part of. I can offer perspective from my life experience and training.
As a Police Officer you are expected to deliver death notifications. Mrs. Smith I regret to inform you…
You are trained how to provide support to someone after devastating information has been shared.
There are crossover principles that can be applied to supporting someone who has just shared devastating information with you.
This information may rock you. It will most likely cause an emotional response. You have every right to feel your emotions. However, right now isn’t about you. Right now has nothing to do with how you feel about what happened. You can process that later. Right now is about helping someone you care about deal with a traumatic event. Practice active listening, be present in that moment, be there for them.
Be their rock. You may need to scream, cry, plot vengeance any of the spectrum of human responses to a situation like that.
Be their rock first, then deal with your emotions later. Please - don't misunderstand me - you must deal with your emotions too, but be there for them first.
Train hard, train smart, be safe - be of service to others
Change the numbers
